The Christmas we get, we deserve

It's Christmas Eve, and almost midnight, so I'd better make this quick. I just want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, and while I'm at it - how about a Happy and successful New Year too. This year, we have a white Christmas, the first time for many many years, and it's not all it's cracked up to be, I can tell you. When Bob Geldof wrote 'It's Christmas time and there's no need to be afraid', he obviously hadn't ventured out into our street. The snow that looked to lovely as it fell last week has now outstayed its welcome. It has turned to sheet ice, and we now have a skating rink outside, which is conducive to neither vertical posture nor dignity. I know this from personal experience, because I came a cropper yesterday and will have the bruises to prove it long into 2011. It's strange, but when you fall over, it doesn't matter how badly you have injured yourself - it's more important to look around and check that no-one has actually seen you fall over. But it's not all bad news.

We are having pork this year for Crimbo. Pork. See, last year's Christmas dinner was a disaster. The turkey was too big to fit in our small oven. I suggested we stuff the turkey with the oven and cook it from the inside out, but my wife was having none of it. She was worried it might invalidate the warranty. I said I didn't know that turkeys had warranties. The look I got was frostier than Christmas. Good job KFC was still open. This year we will also avoid the brussel sprouts too. Little green morons. I can't stand them. There were none left in Tesco yesterday when we did our final, last minute shopping, and my wife was distraught. I pretended to be unhappy too, and tried to look sympathetic but it's hard to, when inside you're grinning and yelling 'RESULT!' Brussle sprouts? The Belgians can keep them.

I'm a little uneasy tonight though, between you and me. I know it's a simple spelling mistake, but I don't really think it's a good idea for my kids to invite Satan to come down our chimney. Along with the glass of brandy and the carrot, I'll be laying out some garlic cloves tonight, just in case. So tomorrow it will be wrapping and tinsel all over the carpet as the kids rip open their presents, and then later, once the detritus of lunch has been dealt with, we will all gather around the box to watch some tired, mumbling old woman pontificate on the meaning of life.

Then after watching Oprah, we will watch the Queen's Christmas message too. And the reruns of old feature films. Once again we will miss the real meaning of Christmas, the reason for the season. Then next week we'll all be in town for the sales, and low and behold, in the shops they'll be removing all the Christmas trappings and trying to flog us Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies. In the midst of all the commercialism and hype, I guess no-one ever makes the link between the baby in the manger and the bloke on the cross...? Oh boy. As Greg Lake once declared, the Christmas we get we deserve.

Merry Christmas everyone!

And, I can only hope, a relatively peaceful New Year.

Image source